You Might Also Like
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see