one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
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Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.