My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
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I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.