Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
You Might Also Like
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.