Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
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I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Rambo Rambow
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️