The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
You Might Also Like
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Finished stitching this today 😇
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads