Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
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Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
no refunds
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes