Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
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Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Bed should get ready for ME
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
This made me smile…
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.