Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
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Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
…u ok Nintendo?
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?