me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
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I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k