MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
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If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?