me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
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Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”