I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
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Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news