Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
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I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)