The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
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*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
me hooking up with my ex
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets