Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
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Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?