I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
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I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
The devil.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
All is fair in drunk and war.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.