If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
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I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.