Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
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The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.