A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
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I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids