I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
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Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Big Sex has us all fooled
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.