do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
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If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.