Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
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My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic