[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
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I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.