My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
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Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”