If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
You Might Also Like
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
FRED: right
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.