[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
You Might Also Like
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Finally!
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978