You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
You Might Also Like
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting