[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
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I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.