hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
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me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
That’s it.I’m out.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Y’all know who you are.
Spell check is for lasers.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?