If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
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“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
i actually laughed 😩
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN