I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
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Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls