I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
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YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
How to make infinite energy.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..