If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
You Might Also Like
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
any last words?
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.