BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
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OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Safety first
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Become a minion. Get that bread.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.