Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
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wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
I think about this a lot
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
reviewed some movies recently
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.