Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
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“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage