people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
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I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”