It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
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There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me: