I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
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My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
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My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.