Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
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RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler