Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
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Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
It still works 🤷🏼♀️