There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
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[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
Sponch
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.