You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
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ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Okey dokey.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already