I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
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Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.