My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
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King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
I have never related to anyone more.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
2 years later
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
I know karate and tons of other words.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked