The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
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My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.