Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
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Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Don’t make me out nice you.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Put a ring on it
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no