MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
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[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce