Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
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I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
My birthstone is a marshmallow
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”